Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
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