sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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