I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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