I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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