Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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