shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Redeem this text for a blowjob
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
