Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
