It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
