I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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