I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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