Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Randomize
