dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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