How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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