I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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