i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
