Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize