if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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