And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
