I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
