i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize