Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
