This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize