Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
