So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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