My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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