i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
