Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
