Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Redeem this text for a blowjob
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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