If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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