I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
