I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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