I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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