I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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