sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Randomize
