roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
