I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
