dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
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