Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
