I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
