the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
