I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize