I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Randomize
