You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
We have started to decorate penises.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
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