i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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