So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
