was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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