you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize