somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Randomize
