Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
