giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
