Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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