Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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