did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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