I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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