What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
