I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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