I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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