dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I did not marry a roomba.
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