I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
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