Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
