The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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