i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
