$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize