Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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