Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
